I had an accusation thrown at me yesterday. Not for the first time and it certainly won’t be the last. I have been accused of a secret desire to have children. One to which I will eventually give in. The evidence? I want a puppy!
Trust me when I say that our decision to remain childfree was not made on a whim nor out of an aversion to hard work, bad smells etc. We have done a great deal of soul searching over the years and are confident that this is the correct decision for us. I have also been accused of being selfish. Maybe this is true but I don’t necessarily consider it to be a bad thing. Much better to be aware of my selfishness now than after the birth of a baby whom I would resent for changing my lifestyle. Anyway, I do not consider myself to be in any way selfish with my time, money or love for family and friends. I just enjoy the life I have and wish it to continue without having to sacrifice long term career, travel and lifestyle goals. Children have just never figured into the equation for me and the more I think about why we should start a family, the more I am struck by paralysing fear and hundreds of reasons why not to do it. Luckily both our parents have been accepting and understanding of our decision. I am aware of other women and couples who are not so fortunate in this way. Friends and siblings however, are harder to win over and can, at times, be downright hurtful in their comments and accusations. Especially when we mention our plan to get a dog.
Carolyn Ray, in her wonderfully eloquent essay Enlightenment: The Shame of Not Wanting Children describes perfectly the feeling of “might like someday” vs “overwhelming desire”:
“I have considered what it would be like to have a very large house. Sometimes when I have lived in cramped quarters, the idea of 20 rooms with large closets creates a quiet longing in me. But when I think about my preferred lifestyle, my preferred career, etc., it is hard for me to justify having an apartment much bigger than the one I have, let alone own a house.On the other hand, I want a dog very badly, and the fact that I cannot currently have one is torture for me (my apartment complex doesn't allow them). I think about dogs all the time. I can't wait to have one or two or three as my constant companions. I walk other people's dogs, and have thought about working as a trainer just to be near them.
The basic difference between my feelings about a large house and my feelings about a dog boils down to: "might be nice" versus "when will the misery end?" “